Want to know what I wear to bed these days? You better say yes, because I’m going to tell you anyway. Don’t worry, if we suddenly bump into each other outside Tottenham Court Road station, there’s nothing that will make you blush or feel awkward in your life. I’m not talking about some leather device with a strap that “started a revolution.” I don’t have fabric in places where I think it would be useful, like “My Sex Life” or “Special Knickers.” I know we tend to share all kinds of intimate information online, like which sex toys we like to use or which ethical porn sites we frequent, but I I cannot and will not go down that path. Mainly because the only sex toy I’ve ever owned I couldn’t find for love or money and the only porn site I frequent is Rightmove.
Misplacing a sex toy is actually quite worrying (if you must know, it’s early 2000’s “Rabbit”, and yes, everyone had one, it’s a must) Because one day someone (an electrician, a visiting uncle, one of my children) pulls down a box from a high shelf, the toy bounces back and hits me on the head with a thud. Chagrin. I know it could be worse – a deflated doll neatly folded (with its mouth open) in a shoebox, an oversized bottle of industrial-strength lubricant, all sorts of things. There should be tall shelves lined up all over the country – but that’s an unpredictable whole thing. I’m told to keep my enemies close, but I have no idea where this flimsy pink dong-a-ron is, and it can’t possibly be any more of an enemy than that, and its only purpose in life is to attack me in a moment of displeasure. It’s humiliating.
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Perhaps it will be discovered only when I die – that in itself will be terrifying. My great-grandson (let’s be optimistic here) is looking through a dusty box of old photos and wondering what we all looked like. Because they’ve only seen photos that have been retouched, filtered, or created by AI. And then I’m digging around at the bottom (lol) and suddenly I’m grabbing a weird pink rubbery thing. Imagine what they would think! You pull it out of dozens of faded photos and school reports and finally hold it up to the light.
“OMG Gr8 e-Gran dildo!” They said to my daughter, their grandmother (loud!) “What’s this funny part with the little ball in the middle?” And why? Does it have…rabbit ears?
“Oh, this is strange and morbid,” said my daughter, “at the turn of the century, self-wellness and entertainment equipment was like a stupid joke, made in bright colors and People were only talking about it when they had a few drinks. Or if they were attending a special party; Ann Summers. ”
“Funny emoji, what was the party about, Yi Gran?” the great-great-grandson would ask. “Was it like a live stream?”
“A party is a gathering of real people. People are physically in the same room, talking to each other and sometimes touching each other,” her daughter said.
“e-Gran before virtual reality?”
“Before the world really began, my child,” my daughter said. “Before the internet.”
OK, where was I? Sex toys and oversharing online: This is the last thing I want to do. You will never see me talking about anything that has to do with sex.
Read: Just slipped into the documentation
The point of this post is that I have never felt before few It’s sexy in bed, so it’s hard to imagine a sane person suddenly wearing a skimpy ensemble with see-through mesh covering all the areas they want to keep hidden. No, what I currently wear to bed is so uncomfortable for everyone involved that I can’t even try to feel sexy.
Let’s jump right in and list what I’m currently wearing in our marital bed. Invisalign aligners for my mouth, earplugs for my ears (obviously), herbal adhesive chest patch, and an eye mask. Does any of that scream “I encounter the rude kind more often”?
Firstly, I am sleeping in what can only be described as my own sensory deprivation bubble – unable to hear, see or taste – and secondly, anything that has to be inserted or applied. It’s so full that there’s hardly any space for anything else on my body. Earplugs are necessary to prevent the occasional snoring (I think it’s best not to listen to snoring in the first place, as just one snoring can make you irritable for the rest of the night). I need an eye mask because seeing shadows or weird light patterns when I’m half awake causes weird night terrors (see below). Invisalign aligners are also the first step in an annoyingly long but important dental program.Save Ruth’s weakened teeth”.
The chest patch is a new discovery.of breathing patch From Victoria Health. This is a herbal adhesive patch shaped like a pair of lungs that is said to be effective for breathing difficulties, and is being tried for persistent coughs. . Update.
But do you understand? You can’t look sexy and sylph-like with equipment like this! Add to this lack of sexiness the problems of night terrors and paralysis. I’ve had everything I’ve had in my life, but over the past year or so it’s gotten worse. It tends to be a “trick of the light,” so you might think the curtain line is a metal bar or the ceiling is looming, but it’s just as bad if there’s no light at all. I tend to think that I’m stranded underground in a cave or in the jungle (I know that’s not possible, but my mind plays tricks on me) and that’s downright terrifying. When you are alone, these pseudo-hallucinations can make you completely distraught. I don’t think I make a sound for the first 20 seconds or so, I’m just completely paralyzed with fear.
Anyway, this problem has only gotten worse lately with the addition of a little bit of laid-back sleepwalking. yes! Not only does he wake up in fear with his heart racing so much that he’s probably at risk of having a stroke, but he now sometimes walks around a little, peeking down the stairs, and nodding around, risking life and limb. I am. Take a peek outside the window.I woke up the other week In the hallway of a London hotel, wearing just a pair of shorts Because I was looking for my children. Those who were found safe in their homes about 100 miles away. Luckily I noticed just as the hotel door was about to be locked behind me. I was thankful that no one was around.
“What should I do about this sleepwalking thing?” I said to my husband, who was busy putting in his Airpods and applying snoring strips to the bridge of his nose (who also accessorizes with them). “I’m really worried that I’m going to fall down the stairs. I’m worried that I’m going to open the window or do something stupid,” I said.
“You can always get a tether for your surfboard,” he said.
‘what? ‘
“You know, the rubber cord that surfers use to strap themselves to their boards. You can also wrap one end around your ankle and tie it to the foot of your bed.”
It’s so amazing. There, I wear dentures (sort of), earplugs, an eye mask, and a leash on my leg.Was I able to do it? Get used to it Are you feeling less sexy? Maybe I should take the plunge and wear the compression tights I bought when I had the baby, something like a sleep bonnet, and perhaps those big rubber socks that are supposed to keep my feet moisturized overnight?
